portalni optok
srijeda, 18.11.2009.
on productivity
i used lots of drugs in my life and am burned. one day new plants will start to grow on the burned land of my brain, because im watering it and giving it lots of sun and care, but until then, i need to make lists of things that need to be done, otherwise i cant remember shit.
procrastination was a big problem of mine a year ago, when i had one of my famous "i dont eat i just sleep more and do nothing coz im tired coz i dont eat coz im fat" 2 years ago i didnt eat nothing but spinach or chocolate and like a plate a week or 2 whole chocolates. a year ago i had nothing but coffee and pie, or muffins. both years i got really sick, had no will and just sedate myself.
i made a list on monday, today is wendsday (whos harold) and i already done 5/11 things for this week. it feels so good to actually do stuff you want to do, or need to do in order to accomplish your goal. it raises selfasteem and you dont feel worthless. im thankfull for chores, chores and hard work help me.
i had a dream. the apocalypse. rafo and i screaming of laughter and hiding in shelters and basements, drunk and happy, eliberated. i felt kinda euphoric and like the ground is not stable, like the horizont suddenly got wider, like im floating or my knees are shaking, coz everywhere i looked around there was no rules, no laws, nothing had value, nothing mattered, except for the people. everyone helping everyone and no taintedness, just pure love, freedom, solidarity. nothing matters when you can die every second.
and its like that every day. i can die now. chances are poor but they exist, it is possible (nothingsimpossible).
since boom i realised that nothing matters except for people. nothing. no stuff, no clothes, not even music, not being warm, not being dry, not winning, not being smart. nothing. people. being comfortable is a system suckupp.
when i realised that if i lost all my money, passport, fashion girl and plane ticket i stil wouldnt care, coz there i had people. crazy desert people living their crazy desert life.
i understand ignorance and i understand fear. and i also understand my good can conquer any evil. and all i understand i can forgive. thats why i go to school-its a pact between the fearing ignorant world surrounding me and me. its ok. at least its something im interested in. i have to be there for a couple hours, then at home i have to dedicate an hour to it, but after that, starts my time in which i can do what really matters. thats why i cant afford to smoke pot anymore, it consumes me, more than i consume it. it just feels better having a purpose.
couragely ahead, little grasshoper.
thanks
utorak, 17.11.2009.
mi se volimo
if only it could be that simple with parents... all the role-playing is so troubleing and addictive, depending, filled with expectations. if my mom wasnt my mom, if she was my roommate i wouldnt mind her or dad at all. but, she is my MOM, therefor i xpect soooo much of her. the same is with boyfriends-while im just in love, i am happy with what that person IS. and when we become boyfriend and girlfriend then i immediately xpect so much like "he didnt call me today" "he didnt ask me out" "he didnt this, he didnt that..." and soon enough he becomes a male pig they all are.
unfortunately our society doesnt take you cereal if you say "no, hes not my boyfriend". the society expect you to posses the one you love.
fortunately, i wasnt ever keen on societys rules.
pa pa pa pokaface
its early morning, i should study childhood but im kinda not awake yet. im trying to find someone to make my dread. i have dead hair from when i got bold and id like to make one dread from it and attach it too my old one and then attach all that on the left (the reviewmirror) side of my head. im gonna try to get help today in the cool and alternative city of rijeka :P inside im like 4, i couldnt sleep yesterday coz i wanted it NOW NOW NOW. hahaha im truly disabled when it comes to some stuff, like patience and anxiety. but i struggle. i struggle. <3
yeah, ill go make coffee and toasted brown bread with margarin and marmelade and just chill
"šta ste vi zajedno?"
"mi se volimo."
thanks
ponedjeljak, 16.11.2009.
manipura
Fire
Triangle
Celestial plane
Sight
Eyes
Feet and legs
Solar Plexus
i put my jacket to wash since paranoja stood up from his seat so i can sit, coz i was sleeping on the floor of the 05:30 32 bus. i am back to domingo green since york is too hard for my gentle lungs :P
i am so happy i have my friends that support me and we share love n light n life n mondays, tuesdays, wendsdays, thursdays, fridays, saturdays, and sundays.
today was a hard day. i felt and acted like tweek all the time. i thought i was gonna die every second. my anxiety was at its peak once more. i twitched, cryed, couldnt breathe or speak and all that in school from 11-15:00. yeah...
so i went to rafaelas and told her all that was on my mind. and she pulled me out. im still wet and i smell from all the crap we digged trough but at least im out.
and you know what? im angry! i have the god given right to be angry! i am letting it all out!
FUCK YOU PERSON FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!
i forgive you and its ok but, cereal, fuck to you! i had enough
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAte9xlu2OA
DOSTA
DOSTA
DOSTA
DOSTA JE!!!!
i struggle i struggle knowing there is no revolution without blood
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE TENDERNESS
nedjelja, 15.11.2009.
ana+lorzo
buba
marfe
one of those nights when you wake up and have new numbers in your cellphone. i gave a shirt to someone.
subota, 14.11.2009.
you wanna hear play? lets play! ; )
turska kava i sojino mljeko.
it is very easy to succeed. you can get wherever you want to. you just surrender your intentions and live.
i wanna make the world a better place. increase the small number of good people in it. im listening to the directions universe gives me to make it happen each day. im kind caring gentle. i wanna help all that ask for it all that need it.
i wanna to create more. marker graffiti, guitar, fashion, drawing...
im eliberating myself. i give all my money away to right places, im barefoot, my hair is greasy and i wash before practice.i eat only whole food i lost my mp3 so i read books, play with my crystals and think. i threw away all things tested on animals. im listening to my soul and body.
it is so worth it!
im free to look back
i am safe in this world
i am at peace with life
i am a beautiful expression of love and life
i trust life
i trust people
i eat patience.
petak, 13.11.2009.
tremble
im gonna trust people i love even if it kills me.
what is death?
a natural thing thats gonna happen sooner or later.
if i jumped from 9 m not even knowing i did it and didnt even break a bone, then i can trust the ones i love.
COURAGE
COURAGE
COURAGE
COURAGE
COURAGE
COURAGE
COURAGE
COURAGE
COURAGE
COURAGE
COURAGE
COURAGE
on trust
im very good at lieing to myself i figured.
because for my whole life i thought i trust everyone, but the truth is, i dont trust anyone. noone. the people i love. noone.
that is why i allways want to posses people and im afraid of intimacy. thats why i call people 100 times a day. i dont trust them.
i am constantly scared.
constantly
no matter what mask i wear, inside i am terrified
all of the time.
in my head, all scenarios end with me being abandoned.
thats why i never cared if i hurt anyone, coz it doesnt matter, when in the end they are gonna abandon me.
my ego is a 2,15 m 150 kg wrestler. i fed him good during the past. and now he has been deprived with food for a looooong time, and he is rageing. he knows ill kill him sooner or later. but he is not a give-up type. he demands its meal every day.
they say opposite of fear is love.
and they say to go where you fear most.
the earth becomes like a room in vila marina, the floor on the 2nd floor is so thin you feel your knees trembling and your guts climbing up in your troath.
go back in the past and switch every negative thought with thought "courage".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMJU2ieXFzU
help me help the world.
ponedjeljak, 09.11.2009.
barbara grdinić vegan
today i made my first vegan pancakes and entered in vegan-land after a few months of thoughtfull gathering of information and struggleing with thoughts.
think for yourself
question authority
here are my reasons:
i didnt eat eggs before, only in cakes
...turns out, for every cake i wanna make, there is no need for the egg. there is enough protein in soy milk to connect. and a teaspoon of brown sugar.
i feel sick after i eat yoghurt and cream since i was a kid, and i never drank milk without cocoa or coffee.
there is soy milk, cream, butter and everything else.
lately i was sick after eating cheese.
there is all kinds of tofu. its a miracle how many varieties. even for a picky one like me.
the milk is full of crap. antibiotics, pesticide, death. from that milk comes all other (cheese, butter, cream, yoghurt...) that is then also crap.
egg is a chicken fetus, hello?
taking milk from baby veal is cruel. taking babies from chicken is very cruel.
brian, dont be cRuel
drinking milk at old age isnt natural, especially from an animal (???)
dairy creates kidney stones. -.-' o m f g .
and , come on people, do you really want to be a part of a industrial slaughter and molestation?
come on. there are no excuses. is your taste primar over freedom and equality?
i long for organic fresh holistic food.
thank you
nedjelja, 08.11.2009.
well, you missed the dnb party in the kitchen!
last night, awesome.
i was so hungry and so wasted and yet the most sober one there. thats...thats pretty amazing
i am proud of my moral evaluation of the situation, and happy i finally slept on the floor after such a long time.
my sublimation this weekend gave lots of good stuff...
first, its my tattoo.
then its my "dedication to pula" on deviantart.
i had such a crazy outfit last night as well-i love rijeka, and i love the love, peace, tolerance and understanding i get there.
i singed,
danced,
did crazy yoga postures deadly drunk in a closed pub.
and now i got an sms so my inspiration kinda got away from me.
: ) :H : )
thanks, byeee
subota, 07.11.2009.
jaques prevert
Kao da je čudo
Kao da je čudo
Dvije naranče na grani
Kao da je čudo
Neki čovjek ide polako
I stavlja kao da je čudo
Nogu pred nogu
Kao da je čudo
Vidi se iza njegovih ramena
Kuća od bijelog kamena
Kao da je čudo
Čovjek zastaje ispod stabla naranče
Otkida naranču guli je i jede
Pljucka koštice i baca koru
I gasi kao da je čudo
Veliku žeđ u zoru
Kao da je čudo
Čovjek se smije
I gleda sunce koje se diže
I koje grije
Kao da je čudo
Čovjek se vraća kući
I nalazi kao da je čudo
Svoju ženu kako spava
Zadivljen što je tako mlada
Lijepa i zdrava
I kao da je čudo
Naga na suncu
On je promatra i on se čudi
A ona se budi
I smiješi se
Kao da je čudo on je gladi
I kao da je čudo ona mu dopušta
Da to radi
I zatim kao da je čudo
Prolete ptice selice
Jednostavno
Kao da je čudo
Ptice selice što lete preko mora
Visoko visoko
Iznad prozora
Kamene kuće
Gdje se čovjek i žena
Kao da je čudo miluju i ljube
Ptice što lete prema moru
Iznad vrta gdje kao da je čudo
Stablo naranče svoje plodove njiše
Na vjetru u zoru
I širi kao da je čudo svoju sjenu na putu
Na putu kojim prolazi neki svećenik
Molitvenik u rukama nos u molitvenik
I svećenik stane na koru naranče
Koju je čovjek bacio
Stane posklizne se i padne
Kao svećenik koji se poskliznuo na koru naranče
I pao na putu
Prekrasno jutro.
